In my recent post, Return to Sender, I wrote that, “blogging used to feel like writing to a friend – a slow, enjoyable conversation. I’m returning to that style.” Something that’s led on from journalling and meditation recently felt a good place to begin.
For years I’ve been using journaling and meditation as a way to detach from feelings and thoughts. Experiencing things as transitory, rather than clutching onto them, has made a big impact. There is still stress – it’s our early warning system – thought it’s reduced anxiety. There’s a sense of peace running beneath. The yearning to reduce anxiety while retain a strong sense of self were, I realised, two sides of one coin. The gap between knowing intellectually I’m not the thoughts/feelings I experience, and living it, was a choice that took a moment (and also years). When I chose to be at peace with it, years of frustration and impatience dissolved.
The other day, something in the present triggered events from childhood. In both instances my reaction was the same. We all have moments that we carry into our future. Words spoken without intention of them echoing through the years. Even actions and words intended to harm are pain expressed as a way to end the isolation of suffering. Working through all this is not an overnight job, though it is a worthwhile one. I believe it to be a purpose we all share. We all deserve more kindness and space for this. Making the connection of this pattern enabled me to grow and release it. It reminded me that we are living organisms; constantly adapting and responding. I looked at what I and others needed in those moments. I’ve been finding small ways to share those things.
I needed to choose both. When I accepted I may always feel anxious at times and chose joy regardless, the anxiety gave way. In choosing both, I made space for what I’d been struggling with and what I needed. Frustration at the time things take still rears its head, so I’m working on patience. Given that its taken a couple of decades to practise experience without attachment regularly, I’m a slow learner… or the path of self-awareness is designed that way. Maybe a little of both 🙂